Oh you’re engaged? You’re pregnant? – I’m sitting here eating my little cousins cookie crisp in my PJ’s: End of rotation review 2.0

ggggggggooooooooodddd mmooorrrnnniiiinnnnngggg

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How was your Christmas and New year, valentines and easter?
Eventful? Loud? Stressful? Welcome to my last 3 months!

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These last 3 months have been insanely busy to the point where I am currently refusing to leave the house for 3 days straight as I haven’t had more than 1 day off since January.

So Christmas was fun (also how was that 3 months ago?!?), i still feel like i’m suffering from the social hangover that was hanging out with 30 members of my family for 3 days straight and probably explains why I haven’t been back up north since.

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Also, you know you are starting to grow up and get deep into your 20’s when…Not 1, not 2 but FIVE friends of mine in my home town got engaged over Christmas… FIVE!! And another is pregnant and 2 have put offers on a house are you kidding me Like, my biggest accomplishment was eating my thighs weight in cheese… Priorities

@momowelch

@momowelch

It’s okay for a few people to have their shit together, but nearly ALL my friends from my school days have their shit together, be it in employment, in a relationship, engaged, buying a house, having enough clean underwear meaning they don’t have to buy some from Tesco in a packet… 9a9ec-existentialcrisisBut who cares, i like the fact I can still turn up to Tesco in my Scrub bottoms and just claim “I’m a student” if anyone questions my decision.

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BUT, There are some real functioning adults in society who actually understand what a tax code is  And I am not one of those adults…

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But on the bright side, I am LOVING this rotation I have just finished, Cardiology and respiratory medicine.

It has just felt 100x better than Psych and Neuro. The Doctors and all the staff on the wards just seem so much nicer and geared to having students hang around. I think it’s been nice to actually get involved with a team of the same doctors and nurses who recognise you and then treat you as a member of the team… Even if that is just running around on the ward round taking bloods, fetching things, doing obs for the nurses etc.

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It’s just a fresh breath of fresh air compared to last term and it feels a lot more how I thought the clinical years would be! And has reinstated my motivation for medicine… even if 12 week terms are very long (well I’ve attended 10 weeks worth… oops)

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I think though this term the fact that I’ve had more of a social life and my housemates who were on a peripheral attachment (where you are placed in a hospital outside of London) are back so there is a full house. But also I stage managed a musical which was THE MOST FUN EVER!

I must say anything that gets me drunk enough to walk down old Kent road at 4am singing and dancing to the chorus line is a win win in my book

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I’ve also got the joy of having to work night shifts in a minor injury unit as a manager and had the joy of having someone shout “Go F*&k yourself” down the phone to me after letting a patient know that we don’t personally deliver a prescription (for paracetamol and ibuprofen) to her house on a well known public holiday is always a joy

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But in an attempt to widen my skill set I’ve had a go at baking, mostly  due to my yearly obsession with the great british bake off… Let’s just say if medicine doesn’t work out for me I’m screwed.

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And on that note, I leave you with the life lessons I have learnt in these past 3 months:

1. Don’t be afraid to be bold and ask for help and to do things! It will get you noticed (please use common sense and be polite though)

2. Also ask what opportunities are available… You’ll be surprised at what can come your way

3. Put your consultants name in your phone in CAPITAL LETTERS so you don’t subsequently drunkly text him instead of your housemate at 3am

4. Join a non-medics society or something to do outside of medicine!

5. Don’t leave the log book to the last week, make sure you carry it from the 4th week to pick up sign-offs when you can

6. Relax more and enjoy yourself more, anxiety will go away

Dear Madam? Dear Stripper? Dear Stripper lady? – please delete my browser history…

Good morning campers

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With not much happening in my life these past few weeks, i think my IQ has dropped a good 30-50 points…

the reason behind this is the fact that I’ve watched enough extreme couponing, honey boo boo and made in Chelsea to make anyone’s brain implode I even heard myself say “Shuuuttt uppp” like i was from Essex…

I’m addicted to extreme couponing, this program essentially is full of women with OCD buying 250 packets of tampons just because they can for free – It makes me feel rather well adjusted when I hear some lady say:

H..O..T

“Couponing is like my version of crack, If I had to go to Rehab, I’d do a Lindsey Lohan and quit…” 

LOVE this show…
It takes me to a special place

But… you know you’ve reached that ultimate special place when you get excited that there is an episode of extreme couponing with honey boo-boo

I think my IQ just dropped 20 points...

 

However in other new’s, where it looks like I actually have a life….

I am currently organising my besties Hen do… I’ve had to research strippers, my google history is horrific, I’m seriously thinking of investing in one of these…

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I recently spent 45 minutes trying to work up the courage to email a stripper… I mean how do you start that email??
Dear Madam?
Dear stripper?
Dear *insert very obviously their stripper name here*?

I’m confused! I needed help… I may of asked a few people…I think I’m being judged by a few too many people now…

story of my life

story of my life

Did you know that Graduate medicine applicants is exactly 1 year old this month :O

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If this was a child it’d be crawling, drooling and being a pain in the ass.

To celebrate, I’ve been challenged by a lovely message off someone (who actually reads this) to do the 30 question challenge… I am neither 15 or an emo and my attention span is next to nothing so i will do the first 5…

So here it goes the 30 15 5 day (In about 15 mins) challenge… Woooo

1. Weird things you do when you’re alone.

Shit me… This could literally take up a whole blog post… SO I decided to consult some of my friends…

I love my friends

I love my friends

I think that really summarises it….

2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?

Oooh, this is a more serious one… I’ve ‘grown up’, as hard as that is to believe!
I’m doing what I want to do with my life
When I want to do it
I’m more confident 
And ultimately being who and what I am

 

3. What kind of person attracts you.

Confident, a little bit weird, some one who can put up with me and someone I can talk to for hours – such a girly response…
Oh and hot – you’ve got to be a bit shallow

Nigella.... Why must you tease me...

Nigella is back on the market! GET IN!

4. What you wear to bed.
Naked… Or because people in my house have this wonderful habit of letting themselves into my room at 8am (dad) I wear my scrubs or a large T-shirt…

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5. 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.
I’ll just pick the one sex to do…… Girls!!

– The need to ALL have to go to the toilet/bar/changing room at the same time… I’m female and still this bemuses me

– The need to follow the crowd and not be yourself – by this I mean everything from fashion, to music and attitude.

– Confidence!!! You are allowed confidence so please take it! Be individual not a sheep

– Being dependant on a boyfriend/man… I’m not a raving feminist, but seriously… The amount of friends that disappear as soon as they get a boyfriend – The sex better be REALLY good

– Duck pouts… Need I say more

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I’ve literally just got home from a hen do… I think I’m dying, that will be updated soon.

I don’t intend on moving ever again… Or drinking…

Who decided paintball was a good idea??

Who decided paintballing was a good idea??

 

The Drunknightoutinshitcity Game: Porn, Nutella Nancy, The clingy girlfriend and how not to risk your clean Criminal Record

Gooooood Mooorrrnnniiinnnggg campers….

It’s that wonderful time of the year again….. EXAM SEASON

Someone shit themselves in an exam I was invidulating, I was called a TILF aaannndddd One lad decided to defile his paper by drawing a giant cock on a graph – With a vein and everything …

A+ for effort

A+ for effort

Some how I don’t think that’ll be on the mark scheme…

From looking at the searches that people use to find my blog on google I realised it was exam season because of these search engine results I have been getting on a daily basis…

Screen shot 2013-03-04 at 23.12.14This was at about 8am in the morning so… who the hell is googling Newcastle Porn??? What even is Newcastle porn?? I refuse to google it and MORE IMPORTANTLY how does it lead to me??!!

When I was in Newcastle I was horrifically drunk, I admit that… but I don’t know how that’d lead to porn??

Dear friend, I'm sorry in advance... I loooovvveee yyyooouuuu

Dear friend, I’m sorry in advance… I loooovvveee yyyooouuuu

In all fairness… singing Gangnam style, falling over in the snow and drinking 2 bottles of wine each probably isn’t the worst thing I’ve done drunkHave you seen my ex?

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I always find there is a fine line when on a night out it’s either fantastic or really shit… I’ve been experiencing really shit for a while… it probably doesn’t help I’ve been going to come of these clubs since I was 16..

I find that I see the same type of people out all the time that can fit into some decent categories… So ladies and Gentlemen hold on to your hats

It’s that time again, where point give you prizes…

Drum roll please

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It’s the Drunknightoutinashitcity Rage Game!!!!!

To start with you get 0 points…

1. Location, location, location….
The Location of the club is key
– if it’s a well-known underage dive and you are above the age of 18: +100
– £7.50 for a vodka and coke to find out half is it is water +75
– There are less than 20 people upon entering +50

2. The Zoo animals…

The Teeny Bopper 

A Justin Beiber or Taylor swift lookalike, barely having hit puberty. But by borrowing some fake ID they can escape the clutches of the tweenies and go on a night out… usually sporting a floppy fringe of some sorts

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They are young and often very easy to spot by normally being found drinking WKD or ‘VK’, often in groups of 5+ for safety hiding in the corners… However, some of them look older than they should be.

I need to fine tune my age-dar

You can fall into their trap and think they are older- Jager bombs are notorious for this phenomenon

well... Maybe

well… Maybe

There is always that dreaded moment when the teenie bopper (or TB) begins to reveal themselves (usually) after making out.
Which ends with them finally mistaking that the year 1996 doesn’t infact make them 19… It can usually go like this:

Me: Oh so you’re studying for exams, uni ones?
TB: errr No
Me (Getting more worried for my clean CRB check): Oh A levels….
TB (looking more guilty): Not exactly, well I am for one A level
Me (feeling the panic set in): Oh so you’re on a Gap year?
TB: No still in school, I’m studying the A level alongside, its extra
Me: Oh, errrr… Okay??
TB: I’m doing my GCSE’s
Me:

Bitches be crazy...

HOLY SHIT… please be 16, please be 16

I specifically used TB there not only short for Teeny bopper but also for tuberculosis, a bitch of a disease that will plague you for months to come…. Just like my conscience

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AND as well hypothetically they try to add you on facebook, and hypothetically your cousin just so happens to be in their display picture aswell…

OH YEAH double shit…

This is why I believe all CHILDREN need “CHILD” tattooed on their forehead until their 18th Birthday

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The Clingy Girlfriend

Yes that girl, the one that keeps a tight grip on her man-friend the whole night.
Always making sure his eyes are on here – hence the need for a low low cut top – and always making sure he has some sort of contact with her

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Be it a pinky on her arse or an all out groping right hand

She gives you the glare even if you look at him… Yes! That Dr Bailey glare that, if I had testicle retreat so far into my abdomen

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So if you get:
The glare +20 points!
A punch +50 points
Make out with her boyfriend +100 points

The liability

We all have that friend we all dread going on a night out with because they are such a pain in the arse and a liability. 9 times out of 10 the night ends because the liability (He or She) is either being kicked out, throwing up or getting naked, or a combination of all 3 before midnight…

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For getting kicked out +20
Throwing up +30 or for ‘chundering’ over the clingy girlfriend +50
Getting naked +50
Getting arrested +100

The Peacock

That male that likes to show off… Usually found with an abnormal amount of gel in his hair and wearing clothes that look like he’s been dragged backwards through topman.

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He likes to spread his feathers and survey his territory, looking for vulnerable females probably of the ‘Nutella Nancy’ variety…
The collective noun for a group of these creatures (yes I googled what a collective noun was sshhh) is often called ‘THE LADS’ and often involved a lot of mating calls
“Chundaaaarrrrr”
“Bangin'”
“Do you Bench?”
Often found in the likes of Ibiza, Magaluf or just the general shit hole club…

Spotting a group of 5 +15
Hearing a key phrase +25
Being hit on by one +70

Nutella Nancy

Dear fellow members of the female population… Feminists havent protested for years, purposely not shaved their legs or been killed by horses just so you can smear nutella on your face, pout and get fingered outside the toilets in ‘Club M’…

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Look… make up and fake tan can look good. But, there is this key word here… Moderation!

Nancy Nutella can often sporting one (Or all three) of these classic poses in photo’s….

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For each one you see there will be at least 5 others close behind… Often all collecting in the toilets together – normally because 1 nancy needs to go – and reapplying more make up. BUT never… EVER mistake the power of a collection of Nutella’s

Smear your hand on her face +30
Get Nutella stain on white T-shirt +50
Lick their face -100

3. How do you get home?
Safe, sober and in your own bed by midnight +60
Sober and at your friend’s house eating a dirt kebab +40
At Nutella Nancy or a Peacocks place +100

Now add up all your scores….
0-100 – Good night out
101-250 – Standard night out, not amazing but good
251-500 – What happened???
500+ – Fuck…my…life

“If you’re bad at dancing, you’re bad at sex…” It’s just a rumour… I swear!

So I’ve decided since I’m barely employed and have not much todo before med school, each week is going to have an interesting theme…

This week is health kick week

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So to begin with is the healthy diet… And by ‘healthy diet’ I mean I’ve gone from ordering the Gormet Chicken Burger to a plain chicken burger at Wetherspoons, baby steps people… baby steps

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In all fairness I do eat healthily 80% (ish) of the time, I’ve enjoyed learning to cook properly without cremating a dish… I’ve learnt to put the correct amount of chilli in a curry dish without having to have my mouth on a glass of ice for 30 minutes… (A horrific true story)

Doing a dare in Ukraine...

Doing a dare in Ukraine…

And to go along with this healthy eating plan I’ve decided to properly start exercising…. Therefore, the other day I decided to go swimming and when I got to the delights of the local swimming baths and realised I hadn’t shaved my legs in over 10 days…

Horrified, absolutely horrified…

I don’t know what was more disturbing the fact that my legs looked like they belong in a teen wolf horror story… 

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Or the fact that I haven’t needed to shave them for a long time (I’m blaming it on the weather… Honest)

I think I also need a hepatitis B test after seeing some of the vermin delights of Coventry in there…

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Trying to find a way of exercising I like and preferably good at is proving harder than finding the holy grail – or getting tweeted back by a cast member of Greys anatomy

Absolute cock/clit tease...

Absolute cock/clit tease…

I’ve tried numerous sports: football, roller derby (It scared me and full of those non meat eating folk judging my high bacon intake!) and even once played rugby… That was HORRIFIC – tackled by a 6ft2″ monster and I couldn’t move a muscle the next day.

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However… I can drink a fair amount and it seems that the social norm after a few drinks is to get sweaty and get ‘down low’ with ‘peeps’ in a club… But, I literally can’t dance and I have NO excuse. I even was forced into Ballet classes for a year as a kid

Good toes... Naughty toes... Oh fuck it I wanted to climb a tree!

Good toes… Naughty toes… Oh fuck it I wanted to            climb a tree!

I am ambidextrous – I can write/throw and be very talented with both hands.

But, when I dance I look like a cross between David Brent and that pervy uncle at the wedding that no-one wants to go near…

But I heard a rumour… And I will say this is a RUMOUR… One night in a club 

“If you suck at dancing you will suck at sex” 

Shock... just utter denial and shock

I literally stood there with a panic striken look on my face…
I then made the mistake of looking at the throngs of women that can get with shorty down low and coordinate their limbs properly….

Again… I must stipulate, this is just a rumourI can get references to dispel this rumour!

Just aswell I'm a lefty....

Just aswell I’m a lefty….

Who needs to be able to dance anyway….I have other skills! I know all the lyrics to S Club 7’s Reach and other utterly useful (and rather gay) things…

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I like team sports, I do – because it takes the pressure off my looking like a total tool if there are at least 6 other people on the team… But there are always people who should never play team sports, like EVER…

I remember as a kid having to play football and the team was full of ‘footballing prodigies’ and girls with ego’s to big to fit through the changing room door… But, one girl – lets call her Regina (Evil sounding name right?)

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She worked so poorly in a team.. It was all or nothing with her… she was THE BOSS, the supreme sporty god – Well she is a PE teacher now so…

But still, I’ve never met someone short of a North Korean Dictator who works that poorly with others…

Well I’ll keep working on the exercise and the healthy… For this week anyway…

3 months to go until medical school… Not that I’m counting down or anything…

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Please apply within…

What don’t you understand about “I don’t run unless I am being chased?”: PE teaching, discovering google safe search and equality

I’m currently working in Nepal (will be covered next post) So….The last few weeks have been errr interesting?? frustrating?? Funny…

1. Supply teaching… Some more eerrr Characters… 

2. Rejected from a med school (Really happy about this though! Going to London BABY)

3. Sexual frustration is hitting an all time high… When is it not to be honest???

4. The Job center adventure 2.0

5. I had to teach PE… PE!!! as in PHYSICAL EDUCATION – and there is only one kind of physical I want to do (Not on the kids… I realise I am digging a hole)

6. Eating enough KFC to constipate myself… And give Amy flatulence issues (this needs no further explination I believe….)

Maybe not THAT far...

Maybe not THAT far…

 

Well… We might as well start in any order so lucky number 2 goes first!!

2. Rejected from a medical school…

I was finally rejected from Newcastle the other day, not surprised really as i didn’t get the right feeling from the interview… BUT that means I am 100% going to live in LONDON 😀

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How much is rent in Buckingham Palace?? ooohhh Queeennyyy!

Next in the line up is….. (Drum roll please)…… 4!

4. The worlds most pointless appointment… At least my adviser is HOTTT

So… My job hasn’t paid me yet, I am beyond skint… Not happy, I spent a weekend eating the fridge and freezer out as I had no money to buy food, some interesting combinations that made me question if i was pregnant or not…

The clear lack of sex and lack of male attraction (see Point 3) culled that thought very quickly…

And Literally had the most POINTLESS ‘careers’ meeting with the job center… It lasted all of 2 minutes…

Her: What career do you want?
Me: I want to be a Doctor
Her: What steps are you doing to get to your goal?
Me: I have a place at medical school, I start in September, this is a stop gap…
Her: *After 2 minutes of pointless tapping* Oh ok… Do you watch Casualty?

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5. Teaching… 2.0 The PE chronicles: Why would you ever want to teach PE?????

WHY oh WHY would you EVER want to teach PE… in England?? It’s been zero degrees for eternity and I can’t wear padded bra’s (#bigboobproblems) so I have to wear 5 layers to stop my nips from looking like they can cut glass/get arrested…

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I had to teach PE.. ME teach PE.. If you knew me in school, you’d of known my battles with the PE department, I was that girl that the PE teachers disliked, detention after detention after detention… Well Ladies and Gents – I don’t run unless I am being chased (or Greggs is about to run out of apple danishes) 

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It’s just why did the sporty bull dyke pick me out of the line up in the staff room to cover her PE lesson… I mean come on!! I was wearing skinny jeans (Made me ass look ass-tastic)  and boots with a HEEL for gods sake! Looking back maybewas jail-bait material…

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So with a class of self-conscious 13/14 year old girls who were more interested in smoking weed and drinking white lightning behind the bike shed whilst getting a quickie, than playing a fun-filled game of netball – I don’t blame them, I hate netball… – I pretty much gave up and got a bollocking off the very large PE teacher… I felt 14 all over again

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Having been conned into teaching sex ed/alcohol and drugs numerous times now under the title of ‘Values’ on the timetable… I’ve been given some ‘Life advise’ off some of the students…

1. If you give up smoking and save all the money from not buying fags, you could ‘well buy like 50 tracksuits from the market’

2. “Two in the goo one in the poo” Is a recipe for success in the bedroom…

3. Stealing money from friends is like borrowing it if you buy them a Mc Donalds at a later date…

4. Calling your Best mates mum a MILF is ‘out of bounds’

AND 5…. I look like I need a good banging… (Sadly very very true)

This leads into point number 3… Sexual Frustration…

If only....

If only….

It’s almost as if my hymen is growing back – Ok or in fact grown back…

I’m literally feeling like a teenage boy that’s just discovered how to turn off google safe search and browse for porn on my iPhone 

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I need to start dating… I need to find someone to take out on a date… I need to stop being so weird… It’s never going to happen is it??

Finally… (serious point) Please support Same sex marriage and equal rights, it’s a serious matter that needs the attention, please display this with pride… It needs to GET better 

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