End of term review 3.0! – “I hope you don’t grip your fella like that”

gggggooooooooooooodddddd mmmoooooorrrrrrnnnnnniiiiinnnnngggggg

It’s finished! (well hopefully), finally the longest year ever is finished.

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I’ve sat all the exams, done my final rotation and its been a good term overall. Apart from the never ending exam stress sending us all rather insane, made me gain 5 pounds and get drunk really easily

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This term i did 10 weeks on what they call an abdomen firm (piss, shit and vomit to put it nicely)… This basically means EVERYTHING in the abdomen from the nipples to crotch, which is a lot of systems to learn essentially in 7 weeks due to the fact we got NO study leave.

I have really enjoyed this rotation and it has definitely been my favourite, but it’s been a shame to not have more time on it as I’ve LOVED the surgery aspect of it… Even if i got teased and picked on 90% of the time in surgery, which normally was a result of myself making up anatomy in the body… Who knew the liver didn’t have 12 lobes?!

Feelings from all medical students everywhere

It seems all those hours spent watching greys anatomy only helped me on 2 occasions, but still thank you Shonda Rhimes!

 

If you’ve been reading this blog for a long time you’ll probably remember that I don’t exactly have the best track record with the male anatomy and yet again this proved true…

We have to get a genitalia exam signed off, so begrudgingly I went to a clinic where I learnt to do the exam. However the Doctor who was doing it had a ‘lets torture the lesbian med student’ and I ended up holding this guys testicles, then I was told to feel them and look for lumps.
Just to let you know I am a professional so this is fine… HOWEVER, I am rather unaware of my strength at times
So while I was feeling for lumps the patients spoke up
“I hope you don’t do that to your fella”

Safe to say I went bright red moved my hands far away and attempted to mumble a come back. So I then spent the rest of the clinic being ripped to pieces by the doctor

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THE HORROR

Most of the term went without a hitch, It was really enjoyable and I got to do some really cool things. So here are my Abdomen rotation highlight *Cue Montage*:
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1.Spending a day with an anaesthetic consultant who let me intubate and control patient airways (The one thing BIG hands are useful for!)
2.Scrubbing in on surgery and being a glorified retractor holder
3.Spending a night with the surgical F1 clerking in and doing all the bloods on ‘my own’ patients
4.Having some awesome people in my firm – this really is the key i think!
5. Actually feeling like I can manage stuff now and not cowering in the corner when picked on

It’s amazing really how much I’ve changed over this last year, I found it really hard at the start and hated my first rotation (psych/neuro), which made me actually wonder if medicine is for me. But I’ve loved this last one and have seen my confidence grow 10 fold.

Even though the rotations went well there was still the matter of actually having to pass the year and sit the dreaded exams…

First the written exam was 6 hours of hell on one day. Each exam being 3 hours long each with 100 MCQ questions. Naturally with a short attention span and i don’t spend ages on a question as I either know it or I don’t i managed to finish both exams within 90 minutes.

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Which was good, I HATE exams

With the run up to exams we had to get into a clinical skills lab to do numerous skills we could get in our OSCE like: venepuncture, catheterisation, CPR, surgical gowning, BP, rectal exam etc.

However due to the amount of students there was a better chance of finding the Holy Grail that getting a slot in the clinical skills room.

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Therefore, a wonderful (and slightly strange) friend of mine decided to make some homemade catheter models…

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Yes I’m worried for him too

P.s. do not get cannulae and catheter mixed up and tell your friends that they can catheterise you… It will end in a year of teasing with even more proof that you should never become a urologist

Overall the OSCE went okay, it wasn’t fantastic but it wasn’t a complete disaster. I even managed to say my name correctly this year and not call myself a boys name…

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The only complete disaster was psych, and well that was pretty much a fail as soon as the patient told me Mi5 were chasing him.
As well as most of my differential diagnose’s being ‘space occupying lesion somewhere in the brain’… Again I’ve ruled out neurology as a future career

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The problem with the exams is that everyone gets very stressed and the conversations all revolve around revision. I feel sorry for all my family and non-medic friends as the only conversations I could have for a month were like..
“What have you been up to?”
“Revision”
“Cool… Got any nice plans for the weekend?”
“Well I’m taking an exciting trip into the centre of London to a new library”
“Oh… Enjoy!”

I pretty much felt like the most boring person on the planet while having all the feels that I still know absolutely Fuck-all

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Now I am on holiday, well I use holiday as a very loose term as I’m spending more time in hospital working in my holiday than I was in term time… But here’s to 2 weeks time where I will be put out of my misery to find out if I have passed! But you know even if I fuck up there are still plenty of options…

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But, this is a message to all of you people applying for medical school this summer, sitting the entrance exams, writing the personal statements, finding the holy grail, performing brain surgery etc etc.

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The Travel Rage Game – “Where your anger and aggression gets you points… and we all know points equal prizes”

Hi ho hi ho back to Bangkok I go….

Having spent my last week in Cambodia I am now back in Bangkok, for my last night the boys I work with got me so hideously drunk I had to have a tactical ‘Chunder’ on my way to work… It wasn’t pretty. I was also refused anymore steak at an all you can eat, PROUD!

Now I am back home I have 2 weeks here until I go on my epic flying spree to Haiti, New York, London and Sri Lanka for an EEG medical project in Haiti I am working on. Thinking about this massive amount of flying coupled with my hatred of humans, especially the tiny humans while I fly… I have a game for you all…

Therefore, hold your bated breath…. I Bring you the TRAVEL RAGE GAME – “Where you aggression get you points and we all know points equal prizes!!!”

1. You start with 0 rage points and for every situation that you get on the plane listed below you get rage points…

2. Depending on your airline you get a handicap:

  • Ryanair +15 rage points (+30 for extra charges paid at the airport)
  • Easyjet +10 rage points (+5 if you get a migraine from their uniforms)
  • BMI baby +8 rage points

3. These are the types of people you come across on airplanes, add points respectively

3.1. The Leg Room Leper: +20 Rage points                                                                                                     The Leg Room Leper is the person that even though they have short legs they feel the need to attempt to play footsie with you throughout the flight (FYI don’t do this to me in my fragile state, I will jump you)… Then they complain that your feet are in the way. ITS MY F*^KING SEAT! Kids, put your glasses on and grab your premium quality notepaper its time for a CASESTUDY:                                                                                                                Female, 45ish (generous guess), upper class from south of England. Puts her feet in my space (this is after 3 hours of complaining to her Husband) and then proceeds to give me the evils and asking me to move my feet… There are 3 scenario’s that you should choose from:

a) Reply “Of course, sorry.” And move your feet into what little space there is left for you… This answer is usually chosen by the Brits                                                                             b) Tell her to Do one (Depending on your politeness this can on the scale of a “F*&K off” to a “Please kindly do one”)                                                                                                         c) Begin to slowly play footsie with her and put pressure on her feet to make her move them

 

3.2 The TERRIBLE TODDLER: +30 rage points for every hour of screaming                        There should be a contract people sign before they decide to participate in coitus, ‘I will control my child on a flying metal tube’. I don’t care if you think your child is ‘precious’ or little freddie is ‘Gifted’, tell the brat to stop hitting my on the head or kicking my seat because that threat of pushing 10mg of melatonin down his small gifted mouth will happen… Dear the makers of Valium, invest in kiddie sized tablets please I will buy shares…

 

3.3 LADs on tour: +20 rage points and an additional +15 for hideous group t-shirts               You know the LADs that take over a flight (Usually to Magaluf, Zante, Ibiza), they wear the matching LAD T-shirts with names like ‘Pussy Eater’ or ’12 inch wonder’ and ‘The wankmaster’… Followed by football chants and incoherent babble of a ‘LAD’ saying ‘I banged her against the toilet door, while smoking a joint and texting the wankmaster.’ Probably the best 5 minutes 30 seconds of that girl’s life…

3.4 GIRLS on tour: +25 rage points and an additional +10 for every camera flash that blinds you                                                                                                                     You know the photos… (Don’t lie to me!)

The ducky pout…

The slight bend in the knees like gravity is forcing you to the floor…

The ‘white chick’ pose with the hand on the hip and tilt in the neck that makes you look like you have a problem or are just perving on someone bending over..

 Don’t deny it! You all do it… I have an archive of facebook photos to prove it (I may have photobombed a few too). Girls on holiday have the Camera’s out at every opportunity blinding the public with the flashes, even on the plane with the old school ‘Myspace’ pose… Heads up girls, flying Ryanair isn’t going to impress anyone! 

The more of them there are the worse it is…. Usually followed not far behind by a group of LADs stalking their prey for the flight to Ibiza.

 

3.5 The Chatty Cathy: +20 rage points for every hour of the flight she asks you a question                                                                                                                                  Is it illegal to drug someone in international airspace?                                                Chatty Cathy is the person that sit next to you for the whole flight and begins to asks you the most ridiculous questions and tell you her life story, EVEN when you are watching Greys Anatomy and are so grossly involved it’s verging on obsessive. Cathy decided to strike up a conversation… Usually along the lines of:

“Are you Vegan?”

“Do you think the Pilots sleep while they fly the plane?”

“Is this food Organic? I don’t eat processed food, do you?”

Or my all time favourite…. “Do you want to see pictureS of my CATS? (Note the CATS!!), this is usually swiftly followed by “This is Mr Snugglebumps, he is a naughty boy. But I allow him to sleep in my bed with me. Do you have cats? Because I love cats.” So for Crazy Chatty Catty Cathy you also get +10 rage points for every cat reference she makes…

3.7 The honeymooners: +30 rage points (If your single) or +20 (If your not single)                         Yes… I get it your newlyweds, you’re in LOVE and yes the whole airplane knows…. So please mam get your hands out of your husbands pants (from under the blanket – I know your tricks!) when you are sitting next to me, I don’t want to sit on a crusty seat and being INvoluntarily celibate you are not helping me, you are quite frankly poking the horny beast inside of me… Unless, you want me to join in of course?

3.8 The over the shoulder reader: +40 rage points                                                               Times like these I wish I read Brokeback mountain Gay fanfiction… This is for the passenger who looks at what you are doing all the way on the flight, silently judging you for watching trashy TV, reading a trashy porny novel… AND when they have the audacity to tut or comment. I do find it amusing watching what people read in public to ‘impress’ there fellow passengers..

4. HOWEVER, It is not all just doom and gloom, for entertainment value you can take away points!

4.1 – 15 rage points for every middle ages women who flirts with the very gay air ‘host’

4.2 -10  rage points for every person awkwardly reading erotic fiction – I spent an hour-long flight watching this ladies facial expressions, while she read 50 shades of grey

4.3 -20 rage points for every silent but deadly fart you can expel in first class

4.4 -30 rage points for every pick up line you can say to either the person sitting next to you or the air hostess…

SOOOO…. You now have your score…

0-10 You are in heaven… Enjoy it!

11-30 Not bad, pretty standard flight, just put your headphones in

31-50 Have a beer and enjoy the ride, you might want to being with the deep breathing

51-70 Proceed to get drunk, take some Valium and breath deeply

71-100 Consider an exit strategy

100+ Plan said exit strategy… Or hysterically cry

200+ ………

FINALLY….

I am attempting to go out with a list of cheesy chat up lines to try to pull or get drinks for a competition…. So send your worst this way please! Twitter or below…