Hi ho hi ho back to Bangkok I go….
Having spent my last week in Cambodia I am now back in Bangkok, for my last night the boys I work with got me so hideously drunk I had to have a tactical ‘Chunder’ on my way to work… It wasn’t pretty. I was also refused anymore steak at an all you can eat, PROUD!
Now I am back home I have 2 weeks here until I go on my epic flying spree to Haiti, New York, London and Sri Lanka for an EEG medical project in Haiti I am working on. Thinking about this massive amount of flying coupled with my hatred of humans, especially the tiny humans while I fly… I have a game for you all…
Therefore, hold your bated breath…. I Bring you the TRAVEL RAGE GAME – “Where you aggression get you points and we all know points equal prizes!!!”
1. You start with 0 rage points and for every situation that you get on the plane listed below you get rage points…
2. Depending on your airline you get a handicap:
- Ryanair +15 rage points (+30 for extra charges paid at the airport)
- Easyjet +10 rage points (+5 if you get a migraine from their uniforms)
- BMI baby +8 rage points
3. These are the types of people you come across on airplanes, add points respectively
3.1. The Leg Room Leper: +20 Rage points The Leg Room Leper is the person that even though they have short legs they feel the need to attempt to play footsie with you throughout the flight
(FYI don’t do this to me in my fragile state, I will jump you)… Then they complain that your feet are in the way. ITS MY F*^KING SEAT! Kids, put your glasses on and grab your premium quality notepaper its time for a CASESTUDY: Female, 45ish (generous guess), upper class from south of England. Puts her feet in my space (this is after 3 hours of complaining to her Husband) and then proceeds to give me the evils and asking me to move my feet… There are 3 scenario’s that you should choose from:
a) Reply “Of course, sorry.” And move your feet into what little space there is left for you… This answer is usually chosen by the Brits b) Tell her to Do one (Depending on your politeness this can on the scale of a “F*&K off” to a “Please kindly do one”) c) Begin to slowly play footsie with her and put pressure on her feet to make her move them
3.2 The TERRIBLE TODDLER: +30 rage points for every hour of screaming There should be a contract people sign before they decide to participate in coitus, ‘I will control my child on a flying metal tube’. I don’t care if you think your child is ‘precious’ or little freddie is ‘Gifted’, tell the brat to stop hitting my on the head or kicking my seat because that threat of pushing 10mg of melatonin down his small gifted mouth will happen… Dear the makers of Valium, invest in kiddie sized tablets please I will buy shares…
3.3 LADs on tour: +20 rage points and an additional +15 for hideous group t-shirts You know the LADs that take over a flight (Usually to Magaluf, Zante, Ibiza), they wear the matching LAD T-shirts with names like ‘Pussy Eater’ or ’12 inch wonder’ and ‘The wankmaster’… Followed by football chants and incoherent babble of a ‘LAD’ saying ‘I banged her against the toilet door, while smoking a joint and texting the wankmaster.’ Probably the best
5 minutes 30 seconds of that girl’s life…
3.4 GIRLS on tour: +25 rage points and an additional +10 for every camera flash that blinds you You know the photos… (Don’t lie to me!)
The ducky pout…
The slight bend in the knees like gravity is forcing you to the floor…
The ‘white chick’ pose with the hand on the hip and tilt in the neck that makes you look like you have a problem or are just perving on someone bending over..
Don’t deny it! You all do it… I have an archive of facebook photos to prove it
(I may have photobombed a few too). Girls on holiday have the Camera’s out at every opportunity blinding the public with the flashes, even on the plane with the old school ‘Myspace’ pose… Heads up girls, flying Ryanair isn’t going to impress anyone!
The more of them there are the worse it is…. Usually followed not far behind by a group of LADs stalking their prey for the flight to Ibiza.
3.5 The Chatty Cathy: +20 rage points for every hour of the flight she asks you a question Is it illegal to drug someone in international airspace? Chatty Cathy is the person that sit next to you for the whole flight and begins to asks you the most ridiculous questions and tell you her life story, EVEN when you are watching Greys Anatomy
and are so grossly involved it’s verging on obsessive. Cathy decided to strike up a conversation… Usually along the lines of:
“Are you Vegan?”
“Do you think the Pilots sleep while they fly the plane?”
“Is this food Organic? I don’t eat processed food, do you?”
Or my all time favourite…. “Do you want to see pictureS of my CATS?“ (Note the CATS!!), this is usually swiftly followed by “This is Mr Snugglebumps, he is a naughty boy. But I allow him to sleep in my bed with me. Do you have cats? Because I love cats.” So for Crazy Chatty Catty Cathy you also get +10 rage points for every cat reference she makes…
3.7 The honeymooners: +30 rage points (If your single) or +20 (If your not single) Yes… I get it your newlyweds, you’re in LOVE and yes the whole airplane knows…. So please mam get your hands out of your husbands pants (from under the blanket – I know your tricks!) when you are sitting next to me, I don’t want to sit on a crusty seat and being INvoluntarily celibate you are not helping me, you are quite frankly poking the horny beast inside of me… Unless, you want me to join in of course?
3.8 The over the shoulder reader: +40 rage points Times like these I wish I read Brokeback mountain Gay fanfiction… This is for the passenger who looks at what you are doing all the way on the flight, silently judging you for watching trashy TV, reading a trashy porny novel… AND when they have the audacity to tut or comment. I do find it amusing watching what people read in public to ‘impress’ there fellow passengers..
4. HOWEVER, It is not all just doom and gloom, for entertainment value you can take away points!
4.1 – 15 rage points for every middle ages women who flirts with the very gay air ‘host’
4.2 -10 rage points for every person awkwardly reading erotic fiction – I spent an hour-long flight watching this ladies facial expressions, while she read 50 shades of grey
4.3 -20 rage points for every silent but deadly fart you can expel in first class
4.4 -30 rage points for every pick up line you can say to either the person sitting next to you or the air hostess…
SOOOO…. You now have your score…
0-10 You are in heaven… Enjoy it!
11-30 Not bad, pretty standard flight, just put your headphones in
31-50 Have a beer and enjoy the ride, you might want to being with the deep breathing
51-70 Proceed to get drunk, take some Valium and breath deeply
71-100 Consider an exit strategy
100+ Plan said exit strategy… Or hysterically cry
I am attempting to go out with a list of cheesy chat up lines to try to pull or get drinks for a competition…. So send your worst this way please! Twitter or below…