The Drunknightoutinshitcity Game: Porn, Nutella Nancy, The clingy girlfriend and how not to risk your clean Criminal Record

Gooooood Mooorrrnnniiinnnggg campers….

It’s that wonderful time of the year again….. EXAM SEASON

Someone shit themselves in an exam I was invidulating, I was called a TILF aaannndddd One lad decided to defile his paper by drawing a giant cock on a graph – With a vein and everything …

A+ for effort

A+ for effort

Some how I don’t think that’ll be on the mark scheme…

From looking at the searches that people use to find my blog on google I realised it was exam season because of these search engine results I have been getting on a daily basis…

Screen shot 2013-03-04 at 23.12.14This was at about 8am in the morning so… who the hell is googling Newcastle Porn??? What even is Newcastle porn?? I refuse to google it and MORE IMPORTANTLY how does it lead to me??!!

When I was in Newcastle I was horrifically drunk, I admit that… but I don’t know how that’d lead to porn??

Dear friend, I'm sorry in advance... I loooovvveee yyyooouuuu

Dear friend, I’m sorry in advance… I loooovvveee yyyooouuuu

In all fairness… singing Gangnam style, falling over in the snow and drinking 2 bottles of wine each probably isn’t the worst thing I’ve done drunkHave you seen my ex?

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I always find there is a fine line when on a night out it’s either fantastic or really shit… I’ve been experiencing really shit for a while… it probably doesn’t help I’ve been going to come of these clubs since I was 16..

I find that I see the same type of people out all the time that can fit into some decent categories… So ladies and Gentlemen hold on to your hats

It’s that time again, where point give you prizes…

Drum roll please

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It’s the Drunknightoutinashitcity Rage Game!!!!!

To start with you get 0 points…

1. Location, location, location….
The Location of the club is key
– if it’s a well-known underage dive and you are above the age of 18: +100
– £7.50 for a vodka and coke to find out half is it is water +75
– There are less than 20 people upon entering +50

2. The Zoo animals…

The Teeny Bopper 

A Justin Beiber or Taylor swift lookalike, barely having hit puberty. But by borrowing some fake ID they can escape the clutches of the tweenies and go on a night out… usually sporting a floppy fringe of some sorts

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They are young and often very easy to spot by normally being found drinking WKD or ‘VK’, often in groups of 5+ for safety hiding in the corners… However, some of them look older than they should be.

I need to fine tune my age-dar

You can fall into their trap and think they are older- Jager bombs are notorious for this phenomenon

well... Maybe

well… Maybe

There is always that dreaded moment when the teenie bopper (or TB) begins to reveal themselves (usually) after making out.
Which ends with them finally mistaking that the year 1996 doesn’t infact make them 19… It can usually go like this:

Me: Oh so you’re studying for exams, uni ones?
TB: errr No
Me (Getting more worried for my clean CRB check): Oh A levels….
TB (looking more guilty): Not exactly, well I am for one A level
Me (feeling the panic set in): Oh so you’re on a Gap year?
TB: No still in school, I’m studying the A level alongside, its extra
Me: Oh, errrr… Okay??
TB: I’m doing my GCSE’s

Bitches be crazy...

HOLY SHIT… please be 16, please be 16

I specifically used TB there not only short for Teeny bopper but also for tuberculosis, a bitch of a disease that will plague you for months to come…. Just like my conscience

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AND as well hypothetically they try to add you on facebook, and hypothetically your cousin just so happens to be in their display picture aswell…

OH YEAH double shit…

This is why I believe all CHILDREN need “CHILD” tattooed on their forehead until their 18th Birthday

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The Clingy Girlfriend

Yes that girl, the one that keeps a tight grip on her man-friend the whole night.
Always making sure his eyes are on here – hence the need for a low low cut top – and always making sure he has some sort of contact with her

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Be it a pinky on her arse or an all out groping right hand

She gives you the glare even if you look at him… Yes! That Dr Bailey glare that, if I had testicle retreat so far into my abdomen

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So if you get:
The glare +20 points!
A punch +50 points
Make out with her boyfriend +100 points

The liability

We all have that friend we all dread going on a night out with because they are such a pain in the arse and a liability. 9 times out of 10 the night ends because the liability (He or She) is either being kicked out, throwing up or getting naked, or a combination of all 3 before midnight…

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For getting kicked out +20
Throwing up +30 or for ‘chundering’ over the clingy girlfriend +50
Getting naked +50
Getting arrested +100

The Peacock

That male that likes to show off… Usually found with an abnormal amount of gel in his hair and wearing clothes that look like he’s been dragged backwards through topman.

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He likes to spread his feathers and survey his territory, looking for vulnerable females probably of the ‘Nutella Nancy’ variety…
The collective noun for a group of these creatures (yes I googled what a collective noun was sshhh) is often called ‘THE LADS’ and often involved a lot of mating calls
“Do you Bench?”
Often found in the likes of Ibiza, Magaluf or just the general shit hole club…

Spotting a group of 5 +15
Hearing a key phrase +25
Being hit on by one +70

Nutella Nancy

Dear fellow members of the female population… Feminists havent protested for years, purposely not shaved their legs or been killed by horses just so you can smear nutella on your face, pout and get fingered outside the toilets in ‘Club M’…

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Look… make up and fake tan can look good. But, there is this key word here… Moderation!

Nancy Nutella can often sporting one (Or all three) of these classic poses in photo’s….

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For each one you see there will be at least 5 others close behind… Often all collecting in the toilets together – normally because 1 nancy needs to go – and reapplying more make up. BUT never… EVER mistake the power of a collection of Nutella’s

Smear your hand on her face +30
Get Nutella stain on white T-shirt +50
Lick their face -100

3. How do you get home?
Safe, sober and in your own bed by midnight +60
Sober and at your friend’s house eating a dirt kebab +40
At Nutella Nancy or a Peacocks place +100

Now add up all your scores….
0-100 – Good night out
101-250 – Standard night out, not amazing but good
251-500 – What happened???
500+ – Fuck…my…life