“If you’re bad at dancing, you’re bad at sex…” It’s just a rumour… I swear!

So I’ve decided since I’m barely employed and have not much todo before med school, each week is going to have an interesting theme…

This week is health kick week

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So to begin with is the healthy diet… And by ‘healthy diet’ I mean I’ve gone from ordering the Gormet Chicken Burger to a plain chicken burger at Wetherspoons, baby steps people… baby steps

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In all fairness I do eat healthily 80% (ish) of the time, I’ve enjoyed learning to cook properly without cremating a dish… I’ve learnt to put the correct amount of chilli in a curry dish without having to have my mouth on a glass of ice for 30 minutes… (A horrific true story)

Doing a dare in Ukraine...

Doing a dare in Ukraine…

And to go along with this healthy eating plan I’ve decided to properly start exercising…. Therefore, the other day I decided to go swimming and when I got to the delights of the local swimming baths and realised I hadn’t shaved my legs in over 10 days…

Horrified, absolutely horrified…

I don’t know what was more disturbing the fact that my legs looked like they belong in a teen wolf horror story… 

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Or the fact that I haven’t needed to shave them for a long time (I’m blaming it on the weather… Honest)

I think I also need a hepatitis B test after seeing some of the vermin delights of Coventry in there…

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Trying to find a way of exercising I like and preferably good at is proving harder than finding the holy grail – or getting tweeted back by a cast member of Greys anatomy

Absolute cock/clit tease...

Absolute cock/clit tease…

I’ve tried numerous sports: football, roller derby (It scared me and full of those non meat eating folk judging my high bacon intake!) and even once played rugby… That was HORRIFIC – tackled by a 6ft2″ monster and I couldn’t move a muscle the next day.

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However… I can drink a fair amount and it seems that the social norm after a few drinks is to get sweaty and get ‘down low’ with ‘peeps’ in a club… But, I literally can’t dance and I have NO excuse. I even was forced into Ballet classes for a year as a kid

Good toes... Naughty toes... Oh fuck it I wanted to climb a tree!

Good toes… Naughty toes… Oh fuck it I wanted to            climb a tree!

I am ambidextrous – I can write/throw and be very talented with both hands.

But, when I dance I look like a cross between David Brent and that pervy uncle at the wedding that no-one wants to go near…

But I heard a rumour… And I will say this is a RUMOUR… One night in a club 

“If you suck at dancing you will suck at sex” 

Shock... just utter denial and shock

I literally stood there with a panic striken look on my face…
I then made the mistake of looking at the throngs of women that can get with shorty down low and coordinate their limbs properly….

Again… I must stipulate, this is just a rumourI can get references to dispel this rumour!

Just aswell I'm a lefty....

Just aswell I’m a lefty….

Who needs to be able to dance anyway….I have other skills! I know all the lyrics to S Club 7’s Reach and other utterly useful (and rather gay) things…

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I like team sports, I do – because it takes the pressure off my looking like a total tool if there are at least 6 other people on the team… But there are always people who should never play team sports, like EVER…

I remember as a kid having to play football and the team was full of ‘footballing prodigies’ and girls with ego’s to big to fit through the changing room door… But, one girl – lets call her Regina (Evil sounding name right?)

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She worked so poorly in a team.. It was all or nothing with her… she was THE BOSS, the supreme sporty god – Well she is a PE teacher now so…

But still, I’ve never met someone short of a North Korean Dictator who works that poorly with others…

Well I’ll keep working on the exercise and the healthy… For this week anyway…

3 months to go until medical school… Not that I’m counting down or anything…

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Please apply within…

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Turning into an adult against my will one day at a time… the countdown to medical school, bat shit crazy people and the horrific state of boredom

Good Morning Campers….

A lot has happened in the world since I last wrote… It’s rather strange really that so much has happened in world affairs since the last time i wrote and I’m still stuck in a deadend job, tired and skint.

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I spent an amazing 2 weeks in Nepal working in a local hospital training nurses and Doctors in the EEG test (More about this below)… So many cute children and bat crack crazy people…

But since coming back I’ve been soooo BORED! Teaching is still going well, the highlight of the week being the graffiti on my desk that says:

“ROB IS A PEANUS”…. I mean at least learn to spell anatomical body parts correctly please!!!!

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But literally I’ve been so bored and wrestles of life here at the moment, the thought of meat and 2 veg on the table at 6pm scares me, the 9-5 drain of doing something mind numbing is scary… The countdown to medical school or travelling is on… 

Or tuesday, wednesday, thursday or friday...

Or tuesday, wednesday, thursday or friday…

BUT back to the round up of Nepal… Baby’s, batshitcrazypeople, beer and amazing people

I went to Nepal to reimplemented a project i have worked on before which involves training nurses and doctors to run a telemedicine service back to the UK for an EEG service – EEG for those of you who don’t know is basically where we stick electrodes on your head to see your brain waves, commonly used for diagnosing epilepsy.

So I pack up and flew to Kathmandu after a horrific layover in Mumbai where I got searched 6 times and harassed by Indian men for a photograph… 

The creeper-tash alwyas scares me...

The creeper-tash alwyas scares me…

Getting to Nepal I was staying in hospital accommodation which for £3/night was AMAZING! I started my first day off with a reunion with all the staff I met last time. It was amazing to see everyone again and we cracked down to work straight away fixing the broken machine, which by the afternoon worked and we had our first patient… 3 year old Dillip!

Cute little boy!

Cute little boy!

I mainly did a lot of clinics with the nurses in EEG but also I got to pretend to be a Doctor in the peds clinic with one of the most amazing Doctors ever, she taught me so much in a short length of time it was unreal. I also did a lot of work with the cute cute neonatal babies… My ovaries went BOOM with the cute overload

Overies went boom here!!

Born 2.5 months premature

They had an EEG machine in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive care unit) that had never been used so I spent a week reprogramming it to work and spending a lot of time with tiny babies on my chest because I had “BIG BOOBIES” as the lovely nurse pointed out…

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I also got to travel around Nepal to conduct outreach clinics in the middle of nowhere, where we met a lot of (To use the PC term) Bat shit Crazy…

This is a conversation between me and the patient:
Me: So what are the symptoms of your blackouts?
GIRL1: Whenever I touch another girl on her menstrual cycle I blackout and lash out for 2 hours
ME: (WTF?!?!?) Ok, how often do these occur?
GIRL1: Everytime I touch a girl during her menstrual cycle, but I went to the natural village Doctor (Batcrackcrazyfakedoctor) and he gave me this locket that takes them away so I am protected, but it’s becoming full and I am getting blackouts again…

Bitches be crazy...

Bitches be crazy…

As you can imagine I was a little bit ‘Bitches be crazy??’ after this… The issue in Nepal and many developing countries is that there is a complete lack of psychological services. I couldn’t refer this girl to anyone from the clinic as it just wasn’t there..

So improvising I got her to take her locket off and I washed it in some basic saline solution and added some Iodine for dramatic effect so she would see me clean it… After she put it back on she said she felt better already, Thank you placebo effect!!!

The sad thing is that we saw 14 teenage girls in one day with similar problems… One of them called me a white devil…

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The trip was awesome, but since being home and back babysitting/crowd controlling hormonal teenagers I’ve been getting more and more bored with life.

The thought of routine scares me instead of comforts me… The thought of settling down scares me, dear god the thought of marriage and kids makes me want to run a marathon and I can’t run/don’t run…. Ever!

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I need to do something… So if anyone wants to hire me (I have limits and morals on my services!!) let me know… I’m desperate for something, anything!

Because at the moment I just have to get my kicks from work (FML I’ve turned into one of those people…

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After confiscating a phone from a surly 14 year old in the middle of an English lesson he storms up to me and says.
Boy1: Give me my phone now!
Me: You haven’t said the magic word
Boy1: No! Give me my phone, it’s against my humane rights
Me: I think you mean human rights and it’s not
Boy1: FINE! I’m calling my parents you’ve got my personal property it’s against the law
Me: With what? I’ve still got your phone until the end of the day. You know the rules about phones in school…

Well if I’m stuck being a complete spinster in the middle of an Urban shithole in the UK I’ve got to get my kicks somewhere… 

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Over and out…