Good evening… Yes i know I havent posted in a month!!
On a scale of 1 to Holy mother of god im busy my last month has been busy on a 9… Drinking a lot, working a lot and now travelling a lot.. And I am officially a graduate YEY
But to get here I have had SSOOOO much flying... And since a picture paints a 1000 words…
This pretty much sums up my 11 hour journey sitting next to someone who could easily be the love child of Jabba the hut and Chewbacca, with NO entertainment system to watch…
However on a better note…. What have I actually done in this past month??
My first journey first took me from Bangkok to Sri Lanka, where thanks to Air Sri Lanka’s cock up I was now staying a night in one of their hotels… And Dear GOD it was HORRIBLE… See evidence photo number one – 2… TWO Blood stains on the ‘clean’ sheets!!! NO, not only 1 but 2!!!!!!!!
Possibly the worst thing was that Air Sri Lanka refused to give me my baggage back so I was still wearing my suit from work.. And deciding that I actually have some sort of personal hygiene i washed my underwear in the sink…
ISSUE: They were still soaking wet the next morning for my flight…
RESOLVED BY: Going commando as I couldn’t bare a 12 hour flight in wet pants…
ISSUE: Security guard did a sweep of my trouser line and my trousers were lying low…
RESOLVED BY: Her being very shocked and me giving a shrug as if to say “You went there! Don’t start what you cannot finish!!!!”
Onwards and upwards… That’s what they say isnt it?? And at Heathrow Airport it certainly was upwards (For at least an hour of my day)
ATTENSION all travellers… Heathrow T5 has HOT security guards… As in HHHHOOOOTTTT… I was at a point seeing how many 10 bht coins I could slip into my now dry underwear for the security screening at one point… Just a grope would keep me going for a few more weeks…
However every cloud has a shit storm brewing inside it, and in this case it is known as…..The Trunchbull. She is that female
(debatable – genetic testing??) security guard that trumps all others.
She has the power to make anyone wish they hadn’t ‘accidently on purpose’ left a load of change in their pocket and makes me wish that I was rather in Christian Grey’s red room of pain.
Mrs D- Mrs I – Mrs R T Y – Mrs M – Mrs I – Mrs N D (Y)
This Picture disturbs my ovaries
When stepping through security it’s like it is in slow motion as you pray to god the underwire of your overtheshoulderboulderholder doesn’t make the bastard bleep
No such luck this time…
The depressing realization was that, the grope I received off the ‘Trunchbull’ was most likely the closest I was to getting laid in the near future.
(unless a miracle happens)
On a lighter note, I went to New Jersey and stayed with 2 of the loveliest people EVER!! I even went in a talked to a preschool about Haiti and they drew me pictures and handmade Turkeys to give to the kids!!
But when the kids were asking me questions I had all sorts like… “What is your favourite country?”, “Do they have Mcdonalds there?”, “What is school like?” etc etc but the BEST questions hands down was from a little girl..
“What is your favourite shape?” It didn’t help she looked at me with those puppy dog eyes and everything I had every learnt went out of my head.. What are shapes? Think of a shape!! JEEZZ Think of a dam shape women!!!
“errrr… Rectangle?” BUT that wasn’t enough for the kid she Questioned my choice! So being a ‘scientist’ I replied “because it’s pointy unlike a circle.”… That apparently did the trick.
While in Haiti I learnt a lot, I was with a lot of french Canadians so most the time I pretended to understand what they were saying while the lyrics to moulin rouge were playing on repeat in my head…
I also had the pleasure for the first time in a while to be the third wheel! And it was… errrr interesting. By interesting i mean i drank on my own in the middle of a foreign club and got a score of 45,000 on doodle jump.
I don’t know if it’s me or just a general thing for single people… But I seem to attract situations where I am the third wheel! It’s like a horrible embarrassing disease… More to come on this subject!
Finally, I forgot about Halloween?? Americans love it! Brits… Not so much.
Going to a Halloween party dressed as a Doctor in my Scrubs (original I know) I was confused….
Since when did Slutty become a Synonym for Sexy???
Finally Finally… What have I learnt this past month???
1. I am like a steak in a lions cage when it comes to security guards
2. Don’t go commando on an 11 hour flight…
3. Drinking the equivalent to a pint of wine on the flight to fall asleep is not a good idea
4. I like sleep… I like it A LOT
5. England is Freeezzing!!!!