The Travel Rage Game – “Where your anger and aggression gets you points… and we all know points equal prizes”

Hi ho hi ho back to Bangkok I go….

Having spent my last week in Cambodia I am now back in Bangkok, for my last night the boys I work with got me so hideously drunk I had to have a tactical ‘Chunder’ on my way to work… It wasn’t pretty. I was also refused anymore steak at an all you can eat, PROUD!

Now I am back home I have 2 weeks here until I go on my epic flying spree to Haiti, New York, London and Sri Lanka for an EEG medical project in Haiti I am working on. Thinking about this massive amount of flying coupled with my hatred of humans, especially the tiny humans while I fly… I have a game for you all…

Therefore, hold your bated breath…. I Bring you the TRAVEL RAGE GAME – “Where you aggression get you points and we all know points equal prizes!!!”

1. You start with 0 rage points and for every situation that you get on the plane listed below you get rage points…

2. Depending on your airline you get a handicap:

  • Ryanair +15 rage points (+30 for extra charges paid at the airport)
  • Easyjet +10 rage points (+5 if you get a migraine from their uniforms)
  • BMI baby +8 rage points

3. These are the types of people you come across on airplanes, add points respectively

3.1. The Leg Room Leper: +20 Rage points                                                                                                     The Leg Room Leper is the person that even though they have short legs they feel the need to attempt to play footsie with you throughout the flight (FYI don’t do this to me in my fragile state, I will jump you)… Then they complain that your feet are in the way. ITS MY F*^KING SEAT! Kids, put your glasses on and grab your premium quality notepaper its time for a CASESTUDY:                                                                                                                Female, 45ish (generous guess), upper class from south of England. Puts her feet in my space (this is after 3 hours of complaining to her Husband) and then proceeds to give me the evils and asking me to move my feet… There are 3 scenario’s that you should choose from:

a) Reply “Of course, sorry.” And move your feet into what little space there is left for you… This answer is usually chosen by the Brits                                                                             b) Tell her to Do one (Depending on your politeness this can on the scale of a “F*&K off” to a “Please kindly do one”)                                                                                                         c) Begin to slowly play footsie with her and put pressure on her feet to make her move them

 

3.2 The TERRIBLE TODDLER: +30 rage points for every hour of screaming                        There should be a contract people sign before they decide to participate in coitus, ‘I will control my child on a flying metal tube’. I don’t care if you think your child is ‘precious’ or little freddie is ‘Gifted’, tell the brat to stop hitting my on the head or kicking my seat because that threat of pushing 10mg of melatonin down his small gifted mouth will happen… Dear the makers of Valium, invest in kiddie sized tablets please I will buy shares…

 

3.3 LADs on tour: +20 rage points and an additional +15 for hideous group t-shirts               You know the LADs that take over a flight (Usually to Magaluf, Zante, Ibiza), they wear the matching LAD T-shirts with names like ‘Pussy Eater’ or ’12 inch wonder’ and ‘The wankmaster’… Followed by football chants and incoherent babble of a ‘LAD’ saying ‘I banged her against the toilet door, while smoking a joint and texting the wankmaster.’ Probably the best 5 minutes 30 seconds of that girl’s life…

3.4 GIRLS on tour: +25 rage points and an additional +10 for every camera flash that blinds you                                                                                                                     You know the photos… (Don’t lie to me!)

The ducky pout…

The slight bend in the knees like gravity is forcing you to the floor…

The ‘white chick’ pose with the hand on the hip and tilt in the neck that makes you look like you have a problem or are just perving on someone bending over..

 Don’t deny it! You all do it… I have an archive of facebook photos to prove it (I may have photobombed a few too). Girls on holiday have the Camera’s out at every opportunity blinding the public with the flashes, even on the plane with the old school ‘Myspace’ pose… Heads up girls, flying Ryanair isn’t going to impress anyone! 

The more of them there are the worse it is…. Usually followed not far behind by a group of LADs stalking their prey for the flight to Ibiza.

 

3.5 The Chatty Cathy: +20 rage points for every hour of the flight she asks you a question                                                                                                                                  Is it illegal to drug someone in international airspace?                                                Chatty Cathy is the person that sit next to you for the whole flight and begins to asks you the most ridiculous questions and tell you her life story, EVEN when you are watching Greys Anatomy and are so grossly involved it’s verging on obsessive. Cathy decided to strike up a conversation… Usually along the lines of:

“Are you Vegan?”

“Do you think the Pilots sleep while they fly the plane?”

“Is this food Organic? I don’t eat processed food, do you?”

Or my all time favourite…. “Do you want to see pictureS of my CATS? (Note the CATS!!), this is usually swiftly followed by “This is Mr Snugglebumps, he is a naughty boy. But I allow him to sleep in my bed with me. Do you have cats? Because I love cats.” So for Crazy Chatty Catty Cathy you also get +10 rage points for every cat reference she makes…

3.7 The honeymooners: +30 rage points (If your single) or +20 (If your not single)                         Yes… I get it your newlyweds, you’re in LOVE and yes the whole airplane knows…. So please mam get your hands out of your husbands pants (from under the blanket – I know your tricks!) when you are sitting next to me, I don’t want to sit on a crusty seat and being INvoluntarily celibate you are not helping me, you are quite frankly poking the horny beast inside of me… Unless, you want me to join in of course?

3.8 The over the shoulder reader: +40 rage points                                                               Times like these I wish I read Brokeback mountain Gay fanfiction… This is for the passenger who looks at what you are doing all the way on the flight, silently judging you for watching trashy TV, reading a trashy porny novel… AND when they have the audacity to tut or comment. I do find it amusing watching what people read in public to ‘impress’ there fellow passengers..

4. HOWEVER, It is not all just doom and gloom, for entertainment value you can take away points!

4.1 – 15 rage points for every middle ages women who flirts with the very gay air ‘host’

4.2 -10  rage points for every person awkwardly reading erotic fiction – I spent an hour-long flight watching this ladies facial expressions, while she read 50 shades of grey

4.3 -20 rage points for every silent but deadly fart you can expel in first class

4.4 -30 rage points for every pick up line you can say to either the person sitting next to you or the air hostess…

SOOOO…. You now have your score…

0-10 You are in heaven… Enjoy it!

11-30 Not bad, pretty standard flight, just put your headphones in

31-50 Have a beer and enjoy the ride, you might want to being with the deep breathing

51-70 Proceed to get drunk, take some Valium and breath deeply

71-100 Consider an exit strategy

100+ Plan said exit strategy… Or hysterically cry

200+ ………

FINALLY….

I am attempting to go out with a list of cheesy chat up lines to try to pull or get drinks for a competition…. So send your worst this way please! Twitter or below…

 

 

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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” – Even when the pages are sticky and the cover is vile

I made it, I survived women flu… I now have a new appreciation for life and olbus oil! It’s like the world is brighter, i can smell something, I am a born again non ill person… Well I’ve also spread my germs around for which I am happy to do!

Having a 5 day public holiday in Cambodia and my UCAS sent off (The waiting is already killing me) I decided to go to Vietnam after getting a visa for the 5 days… It was AH-MAY-ZING! (minus the Bus journey)

After meeting Ben on the bus we found a hostel and I ended up going out drinking with him and his Vietnamese Spinal surgeon friends… The night is a complete blur of beer, gin, expensive alcohol (i didn’t pay for a thing mind you), prostitutes and moto rides. It was so much fun, I got to see the city at night, hang out with the locals and the hangover the next day was horrific! The bar was fantastic, really posh – I was the only female minus the prostitutes SCORE!– and every time I took a sip of my G&T we had a waiter who filled our glass to the top again… Hense the hangover.

Deciding to do something cultural I walked around Ho Chi Minh in the pissing rain in a bright pink bin bag… The city is really nice to walk around, I ended up talking to 2 Vietnamese students who asked me if I would speak English with them so they could improve. FYI this wouldn’t hurt some people from Birmingham to do…

Ben being pushed into his fetching green bin bag…..

One thing i was recommended to do was the Chu Chi Tunnels, these are from the Vietnam War with the Americans. I do not know a thing about the war but the trip was interesting and getting to crawl on my ass through a tunnel to get sand in my pants was a personal highlight... We were asked if we wanted to go down one, but the gift mother nature gave me on my chest wouldn’t fit through the hole… there goes my chances of survival in war!

The hole that we could go down…

Going off from last weeks rant about travellers, myself and 3 others sat down and spoke of 2 phenomenons of travellers we have seen on the road…. Travel Bitches and Travel LADs. I love travelling i really do and some of the people I have met are the most amazing ever, but there are some groups of people who even when you don’t judge them by their cover and you give them a go they are still as bad as their cover if not worse… Like the kind of book when you open it the pages are all sticky

Travel bitches… those girls who look like clones and all hang out in a little group, it’s like being back in high school… They are like the mean girls, wearing similar clothing, the queen bee, the slutty one and the thick one. Myself being the master of inappropriate (Msc if anyone is interested) managed to wind them up a lot! Ways to spot a travel bitch:

  • Matching dresses, hair in a tight bun, sometimes a fanny pack
  • Always together in a tight-knit group, only the privileged are allowed in
  • Always have a scowl on walking around – Rarely seen laughing
  • Mostly on the prowl for LADs to shag

So to sum it up Bitches be crazy!

Travel LADs… The LAD culture, as the saying goes. ‘You can take the LAD out of England but you can’t take England out of the LAD’… Speaking to lots of people in Vietnam and Cambodia us Brits have a TERRIBLE reputation, which managed to get worse throughout my time here. Mainly it’s the drinking, rudeness and the very creative comment of ‘Go make me a sandwich’….

Having learnt a few lessons from the past week from work and travelling so I thought I’d share them with you:

1. Never… EVER… Get on a bus full of Korean Children for 9 hours with no sleep and a hangover even if it only costs $5

2. Travel Bitches do not appreciate you saying Topshop is full of shit and severely overpriced

3. Travel LAD’s don’t like to lose a drinking challenge, especially drinking a yard of ale

4. When asked by a professional writer/poet what your favourite poem is do not recite the dirty limerick from Bridget Jones Diary: There once was a girl from ealing, Who had a peculiar Feeling, She lay on her back and opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling. It doesn’t go down well…

5. God Damm I wanna be a Doctor…

So I may or may not be going back to Bangkok on Friday, it looks as if my boss here wants to keep me here for a bit longer… We’ll just have to wait and see!

ta taaa for now

Cambodia, UCAS and Women flu…. A week in the life of me ill and bored

Evening…

I am now in the land of Cambodia… the land of horrendous traffic, pig snout soup and no public transport… My boss has sent me here for 4 weeks to work on a large project and also maybe the fact that I do not have a Thai visa anymore, shit.

I also have (wo)man flu… Take man flu and multiply it by a bazzilion and that is women flu, I am dying a death with sukodufed… not sudofed, please post me Tea bags.

On the bright side my UCAS application has finally been sent off…. WHOOOP and thank God for that… it’s 2 weeks early! Get in there… Now to wait for an eternity.

Since there is not much to do in the area I am living in at the moment I have had a few days to ponder what I did on my friday night in Bangkok…. It wasn’t pretty.

Deciding to have a competition with a friend on who can pull/get the most numbers on Khao San Road wasn’t our finest idea. Realistically it should be a night of Ego-Boosting, in someway it was… But now I have had over a week to reflect on this, I am MORTIFIED of my actions! Reading the drunk imessages I sent to my best friend aswell isn’t helping my bruised ego now that I am sober… I even sent the below photo of the hat i stole…

Pure classyDon’t judge me

However, the wonderful thing about being drunk, handsey and confident is that when you are hitting on someone there is 2 possibilities; they are flirting with you or you think they are flirting with you (either one is good, they both do exactly the same thing to your ego)

However, for this competition I was 4-2 up as of last week, now at 4-3 after the most disastrous night of my life. I failed on 3!! THREE attempts! I had even straightened my hair and shaved my legs….

I am not dwelling on the past (much) so I have 3 more weeks to bring back my A game untill battle commences again.

So, now I am in Cambodia, it’s quiet as there isn’t the same influx of ex-pats here. I don’t know anyone and there isn’t the same community as there is in Bangkok so I have had a lot of time to think, wander and see things.

It is a truly beautiful place, the temples and palace is amazing… Apart from being asked if i want a tuk tuk or moto every 30 seconds, the 23rd person that asked me in a 15 minute period did get a loud “NO!” and somehow that stopped the rest of them asking. BUT, sods law was when i needed one I couldn’t get one.

And to top it off its flooding…. Badly… This is the next street over from me and Fiona riding her bike.

There is not much to report from here, apart from watching 2 season of How I met Your Mother… I Love Robin in it! I have walked a lot and therefore have noticed certain things that has now contributed to my Traveller-DarLike a Gaydar but for travellers.

You see wandering around Asia, travellers have a certain look about them, and NOT just because they aren’t Asian, there seems to be a dress code that is NEVER followed when you are in your home town… Certain Items I have seen EVERYWHERE this weekend.

Fanny packs: Need I say more….

Politics/poverty/international relations books and discussion: I work in this area, this is my job… However, people who don’t even vote normally will have deep conversations about philosophy, politics, poverty and such… In this small bookshop these 2 girls were talking about something political and the face I got off them when I proudly placed my copy of Fifty Shades Darker (2nd hand and VERY worn) on the counter was priceless!

Full mountain gear when you are in an urban city: Bangkok isn’t like walking up Everest, it’s pretty flat to be honest, so why the need to wear mountain hiking gear?

LAD’s in their matching T-shirts: Clunge patrol, LAD’s on tour… Dear god please no. It is kinda funny, but when you have Vag inspector on their back don’t be surprised if people cross the road.

I’m not saying these are thing you need to avoid doing when travelling but this weekend just gone they were EVERYWHERE!

The best piece of Advice I have been given while travelling is the following:Treat every City as if it was your own.” It is completely true. Not all but MOST cities are no more dangerous than if you were in London on a friday night… Fair enough in Asia being a tall female, blonde and blue eyes I may stick out a bit more. But common sense goes a long way!

on a final note… Is it me or is Justin Beiber looking more and more like a lesbian each day…. It took me 2 minutes to be convinced that it was him.

See you guys on the otherside of this WOman flu… If i make it that is